My Smile – Part One and Part Two – The Evolution.

This is a writing from a few days ago, that can show you how quickly thoughts, emotions and a state of mind can change, modify, turn into something else.  This was something new for me.  Often times i tend to wallow in my own negative feelings, waiting for them to change or something to happen (externally) to make me feel or think differently.  I saw this as a pretty big stepping stone for me – to have this change of state of mind in a matter of less than 24 hours.

We all have issues we are working on and things we are trying to better for ourselves.  Understanding and controlling my multitude of emotions is one for me.  And not lingering so long in the bad, negative or hurtful ones.  Letting go in a sense, moving on and taking control of my own happiness, my own smile.


My Smile – Part one (Gone) (7/7/15)

My smile is gone
I want it back.  I miss it.
I see pictures, older picture – this girl with the gigantic smile, happiness in her eyes. Heart free and open.
I want to be that girl again.
I find myself envying her.
My smile is gone.  I miss it
I want to figure out how to bring it back.
For myself.  I need to.
This smile i have now is often times forced. I put on a mask, go through the motions.
He tells me to smile.  But its just not there.
Only sometimes, and only for a short period of time.
Forcing is even hard.
My mind is full, heart heavy, stomach in knots, emotions raw.
Never be silent.  What about those times when anything you say only makes things worse… even when you thought it would help?
Thoughts jumbled.
Full of emotions, loss of logic.
Over reaction? I don’t think so…
Effort… gone.
Forgotten or neglected, when it’s needed the most.

Part one was written with tears streaming down my face, in the midst of raw emotions.  Some of my best, most honest writings come from that place.  While they are not always very positive, they are real and honest.  But they also help to maybe open my eyes, to see where change is needed, and how to make that possible.  This is where part two comes from… helping me to recognize I am responsible and have the power over my own happiness.

I often struggle with the thought of happiness, and the perspective that only you can make yourself happy and that you cannot rely on others to do so.  Yes, this is true.  You should never rely on another person for your happiness.  Yet they can greatly contribute to, or take away from it.

My Smile – Part Two (Must Find) (7/8/15)

My Smile

I thought it was gone.

But it was only hidden, from me, from others.

I have to look deep to find it again.  My smile – the true smile, not the forced one sometimes shown

It shouldn’t be about what someone else is doing, isn’t doing

It needs to be about me… Only ME.

Other things can make it bigger – but shouldn’t have the power to take it away.

A smile is more attractive than a frown

My smile… will come back

I will make sure of that.

My soul, my spirit, my nature… is emotion

Emotion that I must control

Sadness takes away from the happiness

Diminishing my smile

Get rid of the sadness

Hope. Confidence. Positive.

Remember the magic and just believe.

Just Love.

Hug.  Even if you don’t feel like you want to.  Do it anyway, you may feel different.

Hugs are like magic


Trust and Compromise

I have started so many new drafts in the last week, but have never finished any of them.  My mind is on such a roller coaster right now, and my writing reflects that.  One minute I can’t stop crying, then I am angry as hell, then I am drunk and just don’t give a fuck.  But given my emotional state right now, I think it is perfectly acceptable to wish for people to understand that I am a roller coaster right now.

I have trust issues.  I am the first to admit that.  There are only a few people in my life who I know I can trust with everything.  One of those people made me out to be wrong, which is a hurt that is indescribable.  Another person just made me realize I have to build the walls again.  This past year or so I have really opened up myself and let people in again.  I have grown some great friendships and let down my walls.  It felt good to learn to trust again.  But at a time when I feel the most vulnerable, one of those individuals chose to be judgmental, bash my personality and call me names… rather than supporting a friend in need.  This made me realize that I have become lax and need to pay better attention of what I tell to people, and who I tell. And unfortunately I feel like this person is capable of having a negative effect on my already strained relationship.   After this post is written, that issue will be forgotten, the best that I am able to.  It will not be discussed again and wrongdoings will be forgiven.  Yet my walls will remain up.

That was just hurt piled on top of an already hurting heart.  Aside from that mistake of mine for letting the wrong people in, I am dealing with other issues that leave me emotionally raw.   Issues that are more important than focusing on judgmental drama childish bullshit.  Issues that leave me questioning myself.  One of the most important things in a relationship, in my eyes, is trust.  You work so hard in the beginning of a relationship to prove that you are a trustworthy partner.  But what happens when something causes that trust to be broken?  Without trust, what do you have?

Compromise is also an important part of what makes relationships work.  A compromise is not a way to try to gain control over another person.  It is an attempt to settle a differenced by mutual concession.    I have always said that once you make the plan and commitment to share your life with another person, you have to start thinking like a couple and less like an individual.  Everything you do will in some way or another cause an effect on your relationship or your partner.

Every mature person should understand the need for compromise at some time or another.  The ability to consider the needs of others as valid is necessary in healthy relationships.  Sometimes, for one person to have their needs met, the other may have to give up something in return.  But what it is, is both parties giving up something to a small degree to meet in the middle… or somewhere close to the middle.  But what do you do when an attempt to compromise starts to have negative outcomes, when it makes things even worse than they already were.  If both people do not completely agree on or believe in the compromise being made, it won’t work.  If the compromise was made as just an attempt to save the relationship, but not fully invested in.  Someone will eventually break their end of the bargain and more hurt is created.  Then you feel hurt, betrayed and lied to.  You feel like that one issue that you were working so hard to come to a compromise about is more important than the relationship itself.  That when the other person broke their commitment, that person made the decision, fully aware of the outcome, that it was worth the risk.   When that happens, what does that say for the relationship?  That it is less important to you, right?  That is how I see it.  That is how I interpret this untrustworthy behavior and attitude.

And that fact that the relationship was already struggling in the first place only makes it harder.  There is so much constant internal struggle.  Do I listen to my heart or do I listen to my head.  My heart can’t let go.  It is holding to everything that once was.  To the idea that I finally found the love of my life.  To the fact that in the beginning he was everything that I had always wanted and hoped to find, and more that I didn’t even know I wanted.  But somewhere along the way our relationship has changed.  It has changed in a way that I do not like.  On the other hand my mind is telling me to run, to get out, to chalk it up to a lesson learned and move on.  My mind says it is never acceptable to be lied to and to be in a relationship where you can’t trust the one person you are supposed to love more than anything in the world.  That I should stand my ground and never ever tolerate being treated in that manner.  That if I back down and accept this type of behavior and treatment it only portrays that I am okay with it and it is acceptable.  How will anything ever change?  I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and my heart is slowly breaking more and more each day.

These emotions do not make me out to be a spoiled brat, it does not mean that I am needy and controlling.  It means that I have expectations for a relationship and how one should be treated and when those commitments are broken, HELL YES I will have an issue with it, you better be damn sure that I will be saying something about it and expressing my emotion.

“No relationship is ever perfect.  There are always some ways you have to bend, to compromise, to give up something in order to gain something greater.” – Sarah Dessen