For You Heather – My Past … That Lead To Where I am Today.

I am extremely honored and proud to have someone contact me about my blog, asking for me to write more and for some personal advise.  It makes me even more happy and pleased that there is a change that some of my writings and personal experiences have the potential to help someone else in their own lives.  So i am happy to answer some of the questions that were asked and elaborate on some of my past that lead to where i am right now.  This is going to be a long one, so bear with me and i hope you enjoy.

Maybe I should start by sharing the comment that i received, that prompted me to write the following blog.

Hi Bobbi!
I just came across your blog and it’s gotten a strange hold on me. I haven’t been able to stop reading! You’ve written some of these entries very well and intriguingly 🙂
I was wondering if you’d be willing to write some posts on your marriage and divorce…. I am not trying to be nosy or anything, I am actually interested in how a long term relationship (I think you had said 15 years in one of your articles) ended as I may be heading towards the same situation.
I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years, not as long as yours but long enough to fall in love and think about marriage and head towards that only to one day wonder if he is the one. Maybe we’re drifitng or maybe we’re going through a rough patch. I’m not sure. I just wanted to talk to someone who figured out what was right for her.
I specifically hoped you could shed light on that 15 year relationship had started, how it progressed to marriage – whether you ever doubted that it was the right thing to do, what changed during marriage that made you two realize it was time to go your separate ways… and kids – was that topic ever an issue?
If you don’t want to write a few posts about these things and publicize it, I completely understand. But maybe if instead you could email me back so we could talk that would be great.
I know I’m probably asking for a lot but it’s just that I’ve noticed through your writing that you’ve ended up in a very healthy place. And I desperately want that as well.
Thank you,
Heather

Heather, this is for you!  🙂  And thank you again.  I hope you find some of the answers you are looking for in this.  Please feel free to continue to ask me any questions you may have or ask for me to elaborate on anything.  I am an open book.

I was 16 years old, a Sophomore in high school when i met him.  We went to the movies together on a double date with my best friend.  Our relationship grew from there.  We were together basically since we were kids, we grew up together, we grew together, and eventually we grew apart together.  We finished high school and moved away to college together, stayed in the same dorm together and then got an apartment together.  We were always together.  After we graduated college, he got a job as an aerospace engineer in Wichita, KS.  Halfway across from the country from my family and all that i knew.  But i saw it as an adventure.  That was a step that would either make us or break us, we would either have only each other to rely and grow closer, or we would fall apart.

One thing my mom told me during my divorce – that struck a cord so deeply within (which i will get to a little later in the writing) was that ever since i was a little girl, i had always danced to the beat of my own drum… then when i was with him she said i begun to dance to his beat.  Going through my divorce, she said it was good to see “Bobbi ” again and that i was now dancing to my own beat again.  I had always been a free spirit, a free thinker, and independent person.  Yet, i somehow seemed to have lost myself in the midst of that relationship. What my mom said to me was something i will never forget, and just even more reassurance that i made the right decision.

The first moment i ever remember questioning or asking myself whether this was the right step for me was when we were discussing moving to Kansas.  It was an amazing opportunity for him, careerwise, and i would be just tagging along, there for the adventure…. During our discussions, he said he would go whether i decided to go our not.  That was a huge blow to me and something i never forgot or got over.  Needless to say, i still went along with the plan and moved.

At different points in our relationship we grew together, then would grow apart.  Yet somehow, i always felt like something was missing.  Something that i could not figure out or put my finger on.  But looking back, what it was was that i had lost my sense of self. I had become his girlfriend, his wife, etc. and had lost the true sense of Bobbi and who she was.

When he proposed to me – after being together for seven years… my response to him was “ARE YOU SURE?”  This is not the response of someone in love and excited about marrying and spending our lives together.  Needless too say, i did say yes and we got married on our ten year anniversary from the time we started dating on the beach in Jamaica, barefoot.  The wedding was perfect, just as i hoped it would be.  Yet, we would never make it to our 4th wedding anniversary.  As the years passed i continued to question.  Was this right?  Was this the best thing for me?  Was this where i was suppose to be?  Don’t get me wrong, He was an wonderful man.  He would have done just about anything for me.  We grew to become best friends.  He was kind, understanding, successful, caring and loved me more than the world.  Yet he was calm and safe, neutral, content with the average.  He would attempt to pull me into that lull as well.

One of the most powerful things for me was the saying – When it’s right, you just know.  It took me actually falling in love with someone right to understand that saying and what it truly meant.  I always questioned.  And what i learned was that all of that questioning meant – for me – that it was not the right thing.  It was not the right place for me.  It was not the right thing for me.  Not that i regret it, i would never take it back.  I learned so much from all of that.  So much that made the person i am today.  Your experiences, whether good or bad, experience the person you are to turn into… and i like this Bobbi quite a bit 🙂

I do not believe that there is only one right, perfect person out there for each of us.  I am quite certain that there are more than one “right ones”.  But i also think that there are just as many, if not more “wrong ones”.  And now that i have met and fell in love with one of my “right ones” i know what it means to “JUST KNOW”.  I just knew, and i still know – which is why i fight so hard through any hard or difficult times.  I have never questioned with him like i did with my ex husband.  I was always questioning.  I think that is such a big hint and a big clue.

What it actually took for me – after years on uncertainty, questioning and just that feeling of missing something… was actually stopping and listening to myself.  My body had begun to tell me what my heart and mind was in denial about.  I started to go through a depression.  I lost my appetite and all normal desire in all the everyday things i used to enjoy.  I started losing weight, avoiding intimacy or contact, avoiding any sort of deep or meaningful conversation.  I spent more time alone, in bed, sleeping… in avoidance mode. I started to feel this intense and consistent anxiety, for no particular reason that i could put my finger on (like the sort of anxious feeling before you give a speech or something like that…. all the time, all day long).  Others started to notice my weight loss and expressed their concern to me.  I begun seeing a therapist who helped me to realize all of these things that i was too afraid to admit to myself.  I did a lot of soul searching, a lot of writing, a lot of talking and finally started to listen to myself – to all that my instinct and intuition and body was telling me.  I decided on a trial separation – to get some time away, to myself and to figure out if that was right for me.  I talked to my husband about this and while he was extremely upset about it, he was surprisingly understanding.  He knew i was not happy.  We went over our budgets to see what i could  afford on my own and how to split up our finances.  I rented an apartment that would do a short term 6 month lease.. this was in October 2008.  My depression and anxiety continued and my doctor put me on some medication.  I couldn’t eat or sleep and barely function.  It was one of the hardest decisions i had ever had to make in my entire life.  It took a lot of strength and courage to leave a “comfortable” situation because i knew i needed more.

We continued to talk during this separation.  We would have “dates” and try to work on things and figure it out.  Yet somehow i knew that this was the right decision for me, no matter how depressed i got, or how hard it was  for me… i knew it was the right thing.  And i was honest with him through the whole thing.  I let him knew i wanted to file for divorce.  He was crushed.  He tried all he could think of to get me to come back home.  I broke his heart, and that in turn broke mine all over again.  I loved him and i never meant to or wanted to hurt him.  But for once in my life i had to listen to myself and not do what everyone else wanted me to do.  I have some of the worst memories stuck in my head of things he said to me – memories that i can’t get rid of no matter what of how much i hurt him.  That hurts me.  Yet it had to be done.

We worked together and sold our house, filed for divorce and split up our savings we had together.  I started dating again.  I found my smile again.  I found myself again.  I call that summer my summer of recovery and discovery.  I recovered from my depression, my anxiety, my guilt and my divorce  and discovered who Bobbi was again.  It felt so good to be free and independent.  To be the free spirit i am inherently.  To not feel squashed and kept inside a box, but free to open my wings and soar.  It was what i needed, what my soul needed.

I dated.  I got my heart broken.  I broke hearts.  I had to relearn what i wanted in a relationship.  I had fun. I let it all lose!  That was the summer i met Eric.  The summer i fell in love, truly in love, for the first time in my life.  That was the summer i learned what it meant when someone says “you just know”.  I finally knew and understood.  And knew with even greater confidence that i did the right thing.  When my divorce was final, after all the waiting periods – Eric and i celebrated!

My ex husband and i tried to stay in touch.  He got laid off and moved away.  Before he left, he came over and met Eric, said  good bye to me and the kitties.  It has been over 6 years now and i have not once doubted my decision.  And at one point, he contacted me and thanked me for all i had done, and that all we went through showed him how to be a better person for himself and for his future partners.  I only wish him happiness.  I am so grateful that we worked together through it all and that there were no hard feelings or negativity surrounding it all.

And to answer some of your other questions… We never had children.  We did have two cats though 🙂  I had never wanted children and knew this early on.  I think he would have liked to have them someday but when the topic was brought up and we discussed it he choose to be with me over the possibility of kids in the future.  Now maybe he can have some if he wishes :).

Infidelity – that was never an issue with us either.  I knew he loved me and only me and i never worried he would stray.  While i never did during our relationship, i had thoughts of it – because of my own unhappiness and lack of satisfaction in the relationship.

And Heather – please continue to ask me any other questions you have… and let me know how you are doing and what decisions you make in your own struggle.

My Smile – Part One and Part Two – The Evolution.

This is a writing from a few days ago, that can show you how quickly thoughts, emotions and a state of mind can change, modify, turn into something else.  This was something new for me.  Often times i tend to wallow in my own negative feelings, waiting for them to change or something to happen (externally) to make me feel or think differently.  I saw this as a pretty big stepping stone for me – to have this change of state of mind in a matter of less than 24 hours.

We all have issues we are working on and things we are trying to better for ourselves.  Understanding and controlling my multitude of emotions is one for me.  And not lingering so long in the bad, negative or hurtful ones.  Letting go in a sense, moving on and taking control of my own happiness, my own smile.

smile

My Smile – Part one (Gone) (7/7/15)

My smile is gone
I want it back.  I miss it.
I see pictures, older picture – this girl with the gigantic smile, happiness in her eyes. Heart free and open.
I want to be that girl again.
I find myself envying her.
My smile is gone.  I miss it
I want to figure out how to bring it back.
For myself.  I need to.
This smile i have now is often times forced. I put on a mask, go through the motions.
He tells me to smile.  But its just not there.
Only sometimes, and only for a short period of time.
Forcing is even hard.
My mind is full, heart heavy, stomach in knots, emotions raw.
Never be silent.  What about those times when anything you say only makes things worse… even when you thought it would help?
Thoughts jumbled.
Full of emotions, loss of logic.
Over reaction? I don’t think so…
Effort… gone.
Forgotten or neglected, when it’s needed the most.
Discouraged

Part one was written with tears streaming down my face, in the midst of raw emotions.  Some of my best, most honest writings come from that place.  While they are not always very positive, they are real and honest.  But they also help to maybe open my eyes, to see where change is needed, and how to make that possible.  This is where part two comes from… helping me to recognize I am responsible and have the power over my own happiness.

I often struggle with the thought of happiness, and the perspective that only you can make yourself happy and that you cannot rely on others to do so.  Yes, this is true.  You should never rely on another person for your happiness.  Yet they can greatly contribute to, or take away from it.

My Smile – Part Two (Must Find) (7/8/15)

My Smile

I thought it was gone.

But it was only hidden, from me, from others.

I have to look deep to find it again.  My smile – the true smile, not the forced one sometimes shown

It shouldn’t be about what someone else is doing, isn’t doing

It needs to be about me… Only ME.

Other things can make it bigger – but shouldn’t have the power to take it away.

A smile is more attractive than a frown

My smile… will come back

I will make sure of that.

My soul, my spirit, my nature… is emotion

Emotion that I must control

Sadness takes away from the happiness

Diminishing my smile

Get rid of the sadness

Hope. Confidence. Positive.

Remember the magic and just believe.

Just Love.

Hug.  Even if you don’t feel like you want to.  Do it anyway, you may feel different.

Hugs are like magic

smile2

The Dangers Of The Screen

When the main sounds heard are the sounds of keystrokes and televisions, rather than the sound of each other’s voices, each other’s laughter.  It’s time to unplug.

Too many screens, not enough personal interaction.  Too much worrying about what everyone else is doing, what everyone else is thinking and what everyone else is posting… not enough time spent worrying about what each other is doing and what each other is thinking.  It’s time to unplug.

Who can I prove wrong, who can I argue with. Who can I let frustrate and irritate me, needlessly  – through the screen.  It’s time to unplug.

To sit on the same couch, laptops in hand, mouths closed, voices silent.  More conversations and interactions with people on the other side of the screen than together with each other.  Like, dislike, post, share, comment.   It’s time to unplug.

Doing your own thing, stuck in your own heads, staring at your own screens… has turned into the norm.  social media, research, games, work, writing.  Solitarily social.  Growing afraid to talk, to say, to ask.  Irritations increase, understanding and patience decreases.  Frustrations arise where they didn’t used to be.  It’s time to unplug.

Why has it become hard to turn off, to unplug.  How do you go back to how it was before, when you came home and talked about your days, planned your future days, talked, laughed and enjoyed each other more…. More than the screen.   The screen that has become a danger, to your relationship, to your interpersonal interactions.  The things that used to be so important just don’t seem as important anymore.  It’s time to unplug.

unwanted doubt

Awake. In the dark of night
Feeling sad and hollow
Doubt creeps in
Unwanted
preoccupation
distraction takes you away again
words, concerns…mean nothing
Too defensive to open your eyes
Too stuck to see
Fuzzy distraction gives me a brief smile
Then the mind feels with gray
So few words
create so much doubt
Unwanted
Words that hurt
Can’t be forgotten
Silent, cold, alone
Compassion lost
Her eyes of tears, her heart of fear
Illicit anger. Not concern
Frustration. Not caring
What is true. What is a front
Doubt continues to creep
Unwanted

Porn

I am seeking feedback from my readers on this topic… Men and Women.  So please read and post comments, feedback, opinions and thoughts – negative or positive, all welcome!

The topic of porn has come up several times now, in passing, and I wanted to share my thoughts on the topic and get thoughts of others.  All completely hypothetical … just inquiring about other’s thoughts on the topic.

Myself, I do enjoy watching porn, when in the right mood for it.  However, it is something that I would prefer to watch with my partner and enjoy it together.  I see nothing wrong with porn and view it as normal and natural for people to have that curiosity and interest.  Yet at the same time there is some porn that can be somewhat more tasteful than others while a great majority can be very offensive and degrading to women.

I do have to say that, in my honest opinion, I do feel like it is inappropriate for a man (or woman)  in a healthy, happy, committed and satisfying relationship to spend time watching porn alone.  On the same issue, to spend time at the strip club alone, while your woman is at home waiting for you.  The main point here is … in a happy, healthy, committed and satisfying relationship.  If you have all of those things, why do some feel the need to look outside of what they have for something else or something more?

Now this is I different story if you are single, or if you are unhappy and unsatisfied in your relationship.  I see this sort of activity/behavior as a sign that you are missing or lacking something from your own current relationship and are seeking that fulfillment and satisfaction elsewhere, outside of your relationship.  Which does not make it more right, but does provide some sort of justification.. in my eyes.

I do not understand the need or urge to want to view porn alone, especially if your current partner has told you that they would be happy to do something like that together.  Do men find this off-putting, the idea of watching porn with their partners?  I do consider myself to be a very self confident person who is also pretty sexually open and not easily offended, however the idea that my partner would be watching porn alone would tend to make me feel like less of a woman and less of a partner, like I was not satisfying him the way he needs to be, to the point that he seeks for that outside of me and our relationship.

Thoughts, ideas, opinions?  Go!

The Meaning of Life… or, What Love Means To Me

Two separate titles for one single blog.  I had a hard time deciding between the two titles and it addresses both, therefore the double title.

A question that everyone asks at least one point in their lives… What is the meaning of life?

Here is my take on it.  I believe that the answer to this question is different for each person.  And I also believe it is different for each life you live.  As one who fully believes in reincarnation, I believe that each life you live you have a different mission or goal in life to accomplish.  Some main goal or issue to reach and address in an attempt to reach your ultimate nirvana.

For some people their goal for this life is to obtain success, freedom, peace, confidence, family, love, or a plethora of other personal attributes.  Others it may be to reduce anger or temper issues or hatred.  For others it may be a religious aspect.  But rather than get into a huge, long philosophical religious rant, I want to tell you what it means to me.

To me, in this life the answer to that question is… Love.

From a young age, people search for and seek out someone to share experiences with.  Whether it be friends or romantic interests, heterosexual or homosexual, just about every single person has the same major goals in common.  Shelter, nourishment, and companionship.  People spend their lives looking for companionship, for the perfect man or woman, for their soul mate.  Few are lucky to find that person early, to share their lives with.  Most go through one after another, searching most of their lives for the perfect compliment to themselves.

Love is the most important thing.  It can be the best thing you have ever experienced and alternately the worst.  It is like trial and error.  You go through several different kinds of people, learning what you want and do not want out of that perfect partner.  When you finally do find him or her you create a relationship.  You grow and nourish it, and fight to keep them.  It takes daily effort.

When I love, I love with my whole heart, mind, body and soul.  I put everything I have into that relationship.  When something causes stress or turmoil in that relationship it turns my entire world upside down.   I am a very emotional person by nature, and when something happens to test my emotions even further I am even more of an emotional roller coaster than typical.  I become more vulnerable and much more sensitive to things that may not bother me as much on a normal, typical day for me.

 

 

Changing My State of Mind…

Change my state of mind, change my thinking… in order to change my behaviors and to change my emotions.  It has to work, because I am grasping at straws right now.  I am teetering on the edge and need to pull myself back over.  I need help pulling myself back over.

The love of my life told me that my negative thinking is clouding my mind.  I need to change my state of mind and everything else will fall into place.  That a lot of the issues we have in our relationship are due to my own negative thinking and frame of mind.

I am typically a pretty positive person.  However, as of late my emotions are very raw and vulnerable.  My relationship is in trouble and I am not sure how to mend what is broken.  When I love, I love with my whole entire heart.  That love that I share with someone is the most important thing in my life.  My relationship is my priority and that thing that means the most to me.  So when there is a problem in that aspect of my life, it truly affects me tremendously.  I don’t even know if this is something that is even possible to change about myself, nor would I would I want to, it is part of the many amazing things that makes me who I am.

So when I have such a big problem in my relationship, the thing that is most important to me than anything in the world… yes, I am  going to experience some negativity.  What I need to do is try to diminish some of that negativity and create a more positive outlook for myself.  Despite all of the sadness and hurt that I am feeling, I need to figure out some way to change my state of mind and see the positive in it.

It is easy from the other side, to tell someone they need to think and be more positive.  I have said that to others myself numerous times.  However, when you are the one hurting so badly, feeling so sad, lonely and on the verge of depression… it is hard to pull yourself out of that negative spiral and bring in the positivity.

So I ask you all, is it really possible?  To change your thinking, change your mind set… and that in turn will change your behaviors, attitudes and emotions.   And if it is possible… then I need help.

Advice, suggestions, inspirations.  Send them all my way, Please!