This is a writing from a few days ago, that can show you how quickly thoughts, emotions and a state of mind can change, modify, turn into something else. This was something new for me. Often times i tend to wallow in my own negative feelings, waiting for them to change or something to happen (externally) to make me feel or think differently. I saw this as a pretty big stepping stone for me – to have this change of state of mind in a matter of less than 24 hours.
We all have issues we are working on and things we are trying to better for ourselves. Understanding and controlling my multitude of emotions is one for me. And not lingering so long in the bad, negative or hurtful ones. Letting go in a sense, moving on and taking control of my own happiness, my own smile.
My Smile – Part one (Gone) (7/7/15)
My smile is gone
I want it back. I miss it.
I see pictures, older picture – this girl with the gigantic smile, happiness in her eyes. Heart free and open.
I want to be that girl again.
I find myself envying her.
My smile is gone. I miss it
I want to figure out how to bring it back.
For myself. I need to.
This smile i have now is often times forced. I put on a mask, go through the motions.
He tells me to smile. But its just not there.
Only sometimes, and only for a short period of time.
Forcing is even hard.
My mind is full, heart heavy, stomach in knots, emotions raw.
Never be silent. What about those times when anything you say only makes things worse… even when you thought it would help?
Full of emotions, loss of logic.
Over reaction? I don’t think so…
Forgotten or neglected, when it’s needed the most.
Part one was written with tears streaming down my face, in the midst of raw emotions. Some of my best, most honest writings come from that place. While they are not always very positive, they are real and honest. But they also help to maybe open my eyes, to see where change is needed, and how to make that possible. This is where part two comes from… helping me to recognize I am responsible and have the power over my own happiness.
I often struggle with the thought of happiness, and the perspective that only you can make yourself happy and that you cannot rely on others to do so. Yes, this is true. You should never rely on another person for your happiness. Yet they can greatly contribute to, or take away from it.
My Smile – Part Two (Must Find) (7/8/15)
I thought it was gone.
But it was only hidden, from me, from others.
I have to look deep to find it again. My smile – the true smile, not the forced one sometimes shown
It shouldn’t be about what someone else is doing, isn’t doing
It needs to be about me… Only ME.
Other things can make it bigger – but shouldn’t have the power to take it away.
A smile is more attractive than a frown
My smile… will come back
I will make sure of that.
My soul, my spirit, my nature… is emotion
Emotion that I must control
Sadness takes away from the happiness
Diminishing my smile
Get rid of the sadness
Hope. Confidence. Positive.
Remember the magic and just believe.
Hug. Even if you don’t feel like you want to. Do it anyway, you may feel different.
Hugs are like magic