Finding Hope Again

Sometimes a hug is all it takes.

The Sunday before was another day from hell.  I almost made a decision that would have turned out to be one of the worst mistakes I could make.  I was feeling lost and felt like I had lost all hope.  I felt like it was all gone and I didn’t know how and if I could ever find it again.  Nothing I did, said, or thought was helping to change my mind and at that time I only saw one option.  What changed all of that for me, after a day of misery, after so much heartache, conflict, pain and anxiety, was one simple hug.  Swallowing my own ego and stubbornness, getting up off my butt and going to him with open arms.  The hug, the embrace, the glimmer of hope once again.

That week that followed was about searching for and finding that hope again.  After Sunday, and not sleeping, and barely eating much the past week and a half… after the emotional conversations, arguments, mistakes and misery of it all… I woke up Monday morning and just could not go to work.  As much as I love my job, I was emotionally drained and exhausted.  I needed a day to just think and recharge myself.  I got out of bed when Eric was up getting ready for work and headed outside to the balcony.  I took a blanket out there and just meditated for a while.  Smelling the fresh morning air, feeling the sunshine on my skin, the sound of the birds and the feel of the breeze … it was very refreshing and just what I needed.  I sat out there for a long time, meditating and then just thinking and reflecting on the day before, and the events that lead up to it all.  While no concrete answers come to me, I did realize that I had almost made a horrible mistake the day before.  As I cried and took in the emotions of it all, I knew I had to make it better, at whatever cost.

He came out to tell me bye.  I hugged him and hugged him, cried a little more and told him how sorry I was.  I told him I never ever wanted to NOT be with him and again how sorry I was.  After he left for work, I stayed outside a bit longer.  Monday night his practice was canceled so we just sat together and relaxed.  We were both mentally and emotionally drained and did not want to have any deep or emotional conversation, so we just sat together, watched tv and just relaxed.  It was our Dharma day so after watching tv and relaxing, I brewed some hot green tea and we sat in front of our Buddha shrine and meditated for a while, then read passages from our Buddhism book together to celebrate Dharma Day.  The mediations and Dharma readings also help to put feelings and emotions into perspective .. something that I need to do more often.  Especially when I am feeling so lost.

Sometimes, after so many emotional days, after so many emotional conversations and arguments, you just have to stop and think for a while.  I felt the necessity to spend that evening just being together.  No conversation that could possibly turn into an argument making things even worse.  Even though we did have issues hanging over our head, and I typically like to talk about it and resolve it as soon as possible, I know this was a time to stop talking and just be.

Tuesday I wanted to do something special.  It was our Tuesday date night and  I wanted to start it off and make the extra effort, to show him that I too was trying.  I took off half a day from work and rushed home to some pasta and Caesar salad to be delivered to us right before he got home from work.  I knew neither of us had been eating very well lately and just wanted to surprise him.  I sat the table and lit some candles.  We had a good late lunch/early dinner by candlelight.  Then we took a dip in the pool, played some God of War 11 in PS3, walked around the lake, took a late night moonlight walk to 7-11 for slurpees then some root beer floats.  It was a great Tuesday night.  Again, no deep or emotional conversations, just the chance to be together.

Wednesday I proposed a challenge.  A challenge for us to only be positive for one week.  To say something positive about the other person or our relationship each day for one week, and to make it a point to be intimate and close every day for a week to see if that brings back some of that connection I have been missing.    I have been trying really hard to make a point to focus on the moment, to not dwell in the past or worry abut the future.  I have also been trying to make a bigger effort to do little things to show him how much he really does mean to me.  And I thought it a fun way to bring some of that positivity, passion and intimacy back.  It is a challenge that I whole heartedly recommend to any couples who are having continued troubles and just can’t seem to get out of that rut of a hole.  It is definitely a start to get things rolling in the right direction again.

The weekend that followed was our anniversary weekend, four years together.  He had off Saturday and Sunday and it was the first whole weekend we had to spend together in months.  I was prepared to take full advantage of it!  I had been saving up money from the last two paychecks so we could do whatever we wanted and not have to worry about being broke. (another blog will follow about the excitement of our Anniversary weekend)  We had a great time together and filled the weekend with as much fun and excitement as our schedule and wallets would allow.  There were a couple of bumps that could have caused problems for us, but we both jumped right over them without flinching and didn’t let it cause problems.  This is a serious positive for the both of us and it continues to give me more and more hope.  The hope that I had so desperately believed I had lost.  The hope that I am so determined to find again.

The next week was filled with attempts at being positive and encouraging, building and strengthening, continuing to look for that hope again.  He has started to send me some texts like he used to, the ones filled with emotion and love, rather than standard everyday texts.  He has left me little notes at the door for me to see when I get up or when I get home … some of those little things that he used to do a lot that I have missed so much.  Seeing that effort and those things again brings an instant smile to my face and makes me feel the hope even more fully.  Hope is never lost.  It is always right there, you just have to open your eyes enough to see it.  All it took, on that day from hell was one simple yet gigantic gesture, a hug, an embrace, an exchange of non verbal and unuttered love and affection.

We have yet to sit down and talk about everything that has happened.  I felt it important to give our hearts a little time to heal before bringing it up again.  Not avoiding it, just giving it a rest until the right time.  After another great week together I now feel ready to bring up the issues.  However, I plan to do it in a positive and constructive manner.  A way to help increase our communication and build our relationship again.


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