This month will be the fourth year anniversary for me and Eric. Each year, I write a new chapter in the book of our lives. It serves as a highlight of our past year together. The good times, the bad times, our milestones, our accomplishments, our struggles and most of all… Our Love.
I started working on Chapter Four this week. This is the hardest chapter yet. I looked back at the previous three chapters as a walk down memory lane. Yet rather than making me smile, this time it made me sad. It made me sad to see how much our relationship has changed… in a way that I did not want it to. And because of that sadness, I found it very difficult to continue writing chapter four.
Year one was spent getting to know each other, learning to trust each other. Breaking down the walls we put up to let each other in and to let each other help to heal the other from all of our past. The second year was us growing into our new lives together. Strengthening our bond and our commitment. Knowing by then that it was he and I, until the end. A year of continuing to grow together, transitions and milestones. Year three was a struggle full of ups and downs. We had fallen to lows that neither of us thought we would be at. But through it all he stood by my side and continued to reinforce and prove to me his commitment, love and dedication to me, us and our relationship. As hard as things got and as many struggles as we suffered and endured, we made it through and ultimately it brought us closer together. It strengthened our bond and our commitment. Now, year four… it has been full of continued struggles. Different struggles then we had conquered the past year. Struggles that continue to put a strain on our relationship. Yet what is different with this year is that I feel like rather than conquering these struggles and growing together as a couple, we are growing apart. We are growing as individuals, yet unfortunately, growing apart.
This being why it has been difficult for me to write chapter four. It is hard to look at the progression of our relationship over the years, and to feel like we have lost something somewhere along the line, to feel like we are growing apart and in different directions. I have stopped several times and thought that once I was maybe in a different mood, or approached it with a different frame of mind, that I would have a more successful and less difficult time at writing. So far, no such luck.