Happy Anniversary To The Love Of My Life

This Sunday, July 28, 2013 marks the four year anniversary for me and Eric.

While the path has been a rocky one, especially lately, I wish for no one but him to share that rocky path with.  When we met we started out as friends.  A friendship that grew into something more amazing than I could have ever imagined.  He helped me to heal from the past and showed me that there is a such thing as true love.  He showed me that love isn’t just a fairy tale and that it was possible to fall in love madly and completely.  He showed me that it was possible to find everything you ever dreamed of in a man, and even things you didn’t even know you wanted.  He showed me how to love again, how to open my heart up again, and how to trust again.  He renewed my faith in that thing we call love.

Four years seems like such a short amount of time, yet I can’t even hardly remember a time when he wasn’t with me.  When I think about it, it has only been four years, yet it seems like it has been so much longer than that.  We have a life planned together and as hard as it is sometimes to not just throw my hands up in the air and run away when things get so tough, I know that would be nothing but a mistake.  No matter how crazy I get, he is always the one who pulls it all back together and assures me that we will get through all of this too, just as we have everything else that threw itself in our path.

He makes me crazier than I have ever felt, more vulnerable and insane… yet he gives me strength, support, hope, encouragement, and most of all unconditional love.

Happy Anniversary to the love of my life, the man of my dreams, my hero, my everything.   Here is to the last four years, the first four years of our life together, and the many many more years yet to come.  I love you with all of my heart and soul.

1325 Buddhist Ways to Be Happy – Day Two



“From a quiet, loving place, bless all creation.  Just quiet the mind and send love out to the ends of the universe, unconditionally.  What you give is what you get.  This is an exercise to strengthen your ability to love.”

“Begin right now by engaging love and compassion however you can – not tomorrow but today.”

“Let the people in your life, especially your life partner, be as they are.  They have to go through whatever their life demands of them.  Love them without wanting them to be anything other than what they are.  Love them without controlling them.”



Buddhist Ways To Be Happy – Day One, Dharma Day

Today, the full moon in July, I acknowledge and celebrate Dharma Day.  What a fitting day to start daily posts from “1325 Buddhist Ways to be Happy”  by Barbara Ann Kipfer

Finding Peace, Page 47

“Peace begins with us.  You are not powerless on this planet; you can embrace a spiritual path that brings tranquility to your heart and mind, which is the first step toward bringing peace to the world.  Cultivated inner calmness will beget gentle speech and moral actions, such as gentle caring for others.  When you bring the qualities of peace to your communications, you will radiate peace out into the world.”

“Here it is – – right now.  Start thinking about it and you’ll miss it.”

“Many people look for happiness outside themselves, but true happiness must come from inside us.”

“Every waking second is a chance to look past who you think you are right through to who you truly are.”

“Hope is itself a species of happiness and, perhaps, the chief happiness which this world affords.”

“The greatest part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances.”

“Be true to yourself – if something makes you unhappy, try something else.”

“Make it a point to be happy to be here.  The first thought of the day should be positive and special.”

“To have peace, we must first have understanding.  Understanding is not possible without gentle, loving communication.”



Dharma Day

Dharma Day, a Buddhist celebration, marks the day when the Buddha began teaching.  Celebrated by Buddhists worldwide, it’s considered a time to reflect on the qualities of the Buddha and express gratitude for his teachings which offer humanity a way to find release from its bonds. Dharma refers to the body of the Buddha’s teachings.

Dharma Day is one of the most important dates in the Buddhist calendar as it marks the day the religion was established. It is usually celebrated with readings from the Buddhist scriptures, and is an opportunity to reflect deeply on their content. Also known as Asalha Puja, Dharma Day falls during the eighth month of the traditional Indian calendar.

Dharma day is so sacred to Buddhists as they feel after celebrating this day their spirit has been purified leaving them with peace in their hearts. To Buddhists Dharma day is a day of peace away from the outside world.

The Meaning of Life… or, What Love Means To Me

Two separate titles for one single blog.  I had a hard time deciding between the two titles and it addresses both, therefore the double title.

A question that everyone asks at least one point in their lives… What is the meaning of life?

Here is my take on it.  I believe that the answer to this question is different for each person.  And I also believe it is different for each life you live.  As one who fully believes in reincarnation, I believe that each life you live you have a different mission or goal in life to accomplish.  Some main goal or issue to reach and address in an attempt to reach your ultimate nirvana.

For some people their goal for this life is to obtain success, freedom, peace, confidence, family, love, or a plethora of other personal attributes.  Others it may be to reduce anger or temper issues or hatred.  For others it may be a religious aspect.  But rather than get into a huge, long philosophical religious rant, I want to tell you what it means to me.

To me, in this life the answer to that question is… Love.

From a young age, people search for and seek out someone to share experiences with.  Whether it be friends or romantic interests, heterosexual or homosexual, just about every single person has the same major goals in common.  Shelter, nourishment, and companionship.  People spend their lives looking for companionship, for the perfect man or woman, for their soul mate.  Few are lucky to find that person early, to share their lives with.  Most go through one after another, searching most of their lives for the perfect compliment to themselves.

Love is the most important thing.  It can be the best thing you have ever experienced and alternately the worst.  It is like trial and error.  You go through several different kinds of people, learning what you want and do not want out of that perfect partner.  When you finally do find him or her you create a relationship.  You grow and nourish it, and fight to keep them.  It takes daily effort.

When I love, I love with my whole heart, mind, body and soul.  I put everything I have into that relationship.  When something causes stress or turmoil in that relationship it turns my entire world upside down.   I am a very emotional person by nature, and when something happens to test my emotions even further I am even more of an emotional roller coaster than typical.  I become more vulnerable and much more sensitive to things that may not bother me as much on a normal, typical day for me.



Trust and Compromise

I have started so many new drafts in the last week, but have never finished any of them.  My mind is on such a roller coaster right now, and my writing reflects that.  One minute I can’t stop crying, then I am angry as hell, then I am drunk and just don’t give a fuck.  But given my emotional state right now, I think it is perfectly acceptable to wish for people to understand that I am a roller coaster right now.

I have trust issues.  I am the first to admit that.  There are only a few people in my life who I know I can trust with everything.  One of those people made me out to be wrong, which is a hurt that is indescribable.  Another person just made me realize I have to build the walls again.  This past year or so I have really opened up myself and let people in again.  I have grown some great friendships and let down my walls.  It felt good to learn to trust again.  But at a time when I feel the most vulnerable, one of those individuals chose to be judgmental, bash my personality and call me names… rather than supporting a friend in need.  This made me realize that I have become lax and need to pay better attention of what I tell to people, and who I tell. And unfortunately I feel like this person is capable of having a negative effect on my already strained relationship.   After this post is written, that issue will be forgotten, the best that I am able to.  It will not be discussed again and wrongdoings will be forgiven.  Yet my walls will remain up.

That was just hurt piled on top of an already hurting heart.  Aside from that mistake of mine for letting the wrong people in, I am dealing with other issues that leave me emotionally raw.   Issues that are more important than focusing on judgmental drama childish bullshit.  Issues that leave me questioning myself.  One of the most important things in a relationship, in my eyes, is trust.  You work so hard in the beginning of a relationship to prove that you are a trustworthy partner.  But what happens when something causes that trust to be broken?  Without trust, what do you have?

Compromise is also an important part of what makes relationships work.  A compromise is not a way to try to gain control over another person.  It is an attempt to settle a differenced by mutual concession.    I have always said that once you make the plan and commitment to share your life with another person, you have to start thinking like a couple and less like an individual.  Everything you do will in some way or another cause an effect on your relationship or your partner.

Every mature person should understand the need for compromise at some time or another.  The ability to consider the needs of others as valid is necessary in healthy relationships.  Sometimes, for one person to have their needs met, the other may have to give up something in return.  But what it is, is both parties giving up something to a small degree to meet in the middle… or somewhere close to the middle.  But what do you do when an attempt to compromise starts to have negative outcomes, when it makes things even worse than they already were.  If both people do not completely agree on or believe in the compromise being made, it won’t work.  If the compromise was made as just an attempt to save the relationship, but not fully invested in.  Someone will eventually break their end of the bargain and more hurt is created.  Then you feel hurt, betrayed and lied to.  You feel like that one issue that you were working so hard to come to a compromise about is more important than the relationship itself.  That when the other person broke their commitment, that person made the decision, fully aware of the outcome, that it was worth the risk.   When that happens, what does that say for the relationship?  That it is less important to you, right?  That is how I see it.  That is how I interpret this untrustworthy behavior and attitude.

And that fact that the relationship was already struggling in the first place only makes it harder.  There is so much constant internal struggle.  Do I listen to my heart or do I listen to my head.  My heart can’t let go.  It is holding to everything that once was.  To the idea that I finally found the love of my life.  To the fact that in the beginning he was everything that I had always wanted and hoped to find, and more that I didn’t even know I wanted.  But somewhere along the way our relationship has changed.  It has changed in a way that I do not like.  On the other hand my mind is telling me to run, to get out, to chalk it up to a lesson learned and move on.  My mind says it is never acceptable to be lied to and to be in a relationship where you can’t trust the one person you are supposed to love more than anything in the world.  That I should stand my ground and never ever tolerate being treated in that manner.  That if I back down and accept this type of behavior and treatment it only portrays that I am okay with it and it is acceptable.  How will anything ever change?  I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and my heart is slowly breaking more and more each day.

These emotions do not make me out to be a spoiled brat, it does not mean that I am needy and controlling.  It means that I have expectations for a relationship and how one should be treated and when those commitments are broken, HELL YES I will have an issue with it, you better be damn sure that I will be saying something about it and expressing my emotion.

“No relationship is ever perfect.  There are always some ways you have to bend, to compromise, to give up something in order to gain something greater.” – Sarah Dessen






The Book Of Our Lives – Writers Block

This month will be the fourth year anniversary for me and Eric.  Each year, I write a new chapter in the book of our lives.   It serves as a highlight of our past year together.  The good times, the bad times, our milestones, our accomplishments, our struggles and most of all… Our Love.

I started working on Chapter Four this week.  This is the hardest chapter yet.   I looked back at the previous three chapters as a walk down memory lane.  Yet rather than making me smile, this time it made me sad.  It made me sad to see how much our relationship has changed… in a way that I did not want it to.  And because of that sadness, I found it very difficult to continue writing chapter four.

Year one was spent getting to know each other, learning to trust each other.  Breaking down the walls we put up to let each other in and to let each other help to heal the other from all of our past.  The second year was us growing into our new lives together.  Strengthening our bond and our commitment.  Knowing by then that it was he and I, until the end.  A year of continuing to grow together, transitions and milestones.  Year three was a struggle full of ups and downs.  We had fallen to lows that neither of us thought we would be at.  But through it all he stood by my side and continued to reinforce and prove to me his commitment, love and dedication to me, us and our relationship.  As hard as things got and as many struggles as we suffered and endured, we made it through and ultimately it brought us closer together.  It strengthened our bond and our commitment. Now, year four… it has been full of continued struggles.  Different struggles then we had conquered the past year.  Struggles that continue to put a strain on our relationship.  Yet what is different with this year is that I feel like rather than conquering these struggles and growing together as a couple, we are growing apart.  We are growing as individuals, yet unfortunately, growing apart.

This being why it has been difficult for me to write chapter four.  It is hard to look at the progression of our relationship over the years, and to feel like we have lost something somewhere along the line, to feel like we are growing apart and in different directions.  I have stopped several times and thought that once I was maybe in a different mood, or approached it with a different frame of mind, that I would have a more successful and less difficult time at writing.  So far, no such luck.