Stepping Out Of Introversion
I have to say, I am really proud of myself. Growing up I was always very shy, introverted and timid. I still carry some of those qualities over into my adult life, but that is something that i battle with on a daily basis pretty much. Often times i have to physically and mentally talk myself into things, give myself a pep talk, and coerce myself into things.
I was always afraid to go anywhere alone, or to do something by myself. If there was something i wanted to do, but no one would do it with me, then i would just not do it. I had to have a friend someone with me. This didn’t change for me until well into my adult years, after getting married. For the longest time, i HAD someone to do everything with, and it didn’t matter. There was no real reason for me to change. Then came the time when i started to grow into myself and acquire new interests and desires. Once i started to broaden my horizons and step outside of the box, creating interests in things a little “less normal” than the ordinary, it was harder to find someone to participate in those things with. So i had to teach myself to do those things on my own, and i loved it. It was definitely stepping outside of my box of comfort but so much worth it. It helped me to grow my independence as well as to increase my knowledge and awareness other things. I started by going to the local Buddhist meditation meetings alone, which lead into this great love i have for all things Buddhism and a very big part of the way i live my life. Then i started going to yoga classes along, which lead into me becoming a yoga teacher. After that i started going to local rock shows along, which lead to me acknowledging the immense love i have for music… and lending a hand in me meeting my favorite musician of all! So as you see, many great things have come out of me winning that fight with myself!
Still to this day, i enjoy doing things alone. Before, i would have never dreamed of going out to dinner, or to a movie alone, and now those are things i have no problem at all doing… and quite enjoy it sometimes. But… there are still those things that make me nervous and feel anxiety about doing alone. Especially something new, or something where i do not know what to expect. Some of those times it is easier to just not do it, than to deal with the anxiety of it. However, with this being something that i still battle with daily… it is something i make myself do. Knowing i will thank myself for it after.
One example from this week, that made me extremely proud of myself and extremely happy about my decision just do it. Tuesday PETA was holding a demonstration to bring awareness of the cruelty of the circus, pre opening day. It was scheduled for 12:00pm. I asked my boss if he cared if i took a long lunch and went to participate. I had hoped that others from the office would go as well and we could car pool. With me still not being very familiar with the downtown Norfolk area and driving around, i really didn’t want to have to drive. So when time came, and i missed out on the office transportation, and no one else from the office was going, i contemplated just staying at work and getting caught up… but i really really wanted to go. I had this internal dialog with myself for about ten minutes before i finally stood up and decided to go. Step One. Jumped in my car… alone… and headed downtown, which is just right around the corner from my office. I found the intersection where the demo was being held. Now to find a parking spot. Oops… i realized that i didn’t have any cash at all for the parking garage, and no change in my car or my purse to feed the meter…. what now? Well on to step two. I saw my co workers at the intersection and wanted so bad to be there with them, to have that experience, to try something new i had never done before. But i once again had that argument with myself. I should just go back to the office. I don’t have any money for parking, i can’t find a parking spot, i am running out of gas, i should be catching up on my work instead. I pulled into a spot a few blocks away, then pulled back out because i didn’t have any change. My internal dialog was winning and i didn’t like that. Then while waiting at a red light at the EXACT intersection of the protest someone pulled out of a spot, right there. Once the light turned green i quickly pulled into the spot, even having to do a bit of a parallel park job to fit. I said to myself – you know what, i don’t care if i have any change to park or not, i am here and i want to do this, so I AM GOING TO DO IT!
Because i had that fight with myself, and won, i had the opportunity to participate in a pretty amazing event. I did end up getting a $15 parking ticket, but it was so worth it. I not only got to do something worthwhile, something to spread knowledge about the cruelty of the circus, something i am extremely passionate about… but i also, once again, conquered myself!
Look at that smile on my face! True, genuine, and right where i am suppose to be.
Thanks to all of you amazing ladies for making this a successful afternoon for the animals, and for myself.